Wolf Song of Alaska News

That's Alaska's Don Young

Only Jay Leno could do justice to our ill-informed congressman

Opinion / Anchorage Daily News / May 25, 2006

Jay Leno here with our latest segment of "Jaywalking." I'm talking to (gestures to guest):

Don Young, Congressman for all Alaska.

Congressman Don Young! What a surprise! What are you doing in Los Angeles?

I came here to see what it's like to live in the ozone -- you know, La-La Land, where you quiche-eating liberals drive your gas-guzzling SUVs while you insist on keeping ANWR locked up in my home state.

Whoa, not bitter are we, Congressman? Well, let's leave politics aside and get to our Jaywalking quiz. Congressman, what country in the world uses the most oil?

I don't know but it's not the United States, I can tell you that. (Audience howls at the obvious mistake.)

Uh-huh. Now we're not talking PRODUCING the most oil, we're talking about CONSUMING the most oil.

Yeah, I know. When you look at all the oil being used around the world, we don't use that much. People who whine about us gobbling up oil don't know what they're talking about. They just want to punish us for being a rich country.

Oooo-kaaay. (Jay rolls his eyes). Next question, you ought to know this, being from up North and all: Do polar bears live in packs, you know, like wolves do?

Sure do. We've got lots of 'em in Alaska. All this bull you're hearing about how polar bears are in trouble from global warming -- that's what it is, bull. They know how to swim. If the ice all melts, which it's not gonna do, but if it did, they just swim. No problem.

Uh-huh. So you're sort of an expert on polar bears?

I've served in Congress 34 years. I'm an expert on a lot of stuff. (Audience giggles.)

Well, you guys sure know how to spend money! (Big laugh from audience).

OK, here's a true/false question. You've heard of Greenland, right? You know, that place that's one big sheet of ice? True or false: Greenland is warming up and melting.

FALSE! (Don Young bellows so loud, Jay Leno staggers sideways.) I read it somewhere -- it's actually cooling. It's true! You people who get your "facts" from the media don't know what the hell is going on. We've had ice ages before and we'll have them again. The Earth has been hot before. We've got oil up at Prudhoe Bay. How'd we get that oil? We had mastodons and ferns and tree stumps, a tropical atmosphere that created that oil. What melted all the ice back then? It certainly wasn't hair spray or auto emissions.

You don't look like the kind of guy who uses hair spray.

Damn straight. Not like you Hollywood types.

(Jay primps his own hair.) No offense, Congressman, but our makeup crew could do a lot to help you. I do like that beard, though. It says "rugged Alaskan."

OK, final question. Since we're getting a little cosmic, it's about astronomy. Does the Earth revolve around the sun or does the sun revolve around the Earth?

What a stupid question. I'm not gonna answer that. What difference does it make?

Aw, c'mon. You've got a 50-50 chance of being right.

Look, I gotta go. I'm meeting Michael Crichton. He's trying to get a movie done on his book that tells the real truth about global warming, but all your liberal Hollywood moguls don't want to let the truth out, so he's getting nowhere. You should listen to him, and not all the jibber-jabbering from people who call themselves scientists. They have their opinions and I have mine, and mine are just as good as theirs.

(Jay turns to the camera). Well, there you have it folks. (To Don Young) Thank you, Mr. Science -- uh, I mean Congressman. Maybe we'll see you again for "Battle of the Jaywalk All-Stars." (Fade to commercial.)

BOTTOM LINE: Jaywalking is a joke (we made up this exchange), but Don Young's ill-informed views on global warming aren't funny.

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